Thoughts on.... From my journal on 11/20/11

From my journal on 11/20/11
My prayer, over small things made into large things.

"Lord, please forgive me for losing my peace over things that didn't even exist in your day. Be strong in me, decrease me; I yield my control over to you. Amen."

So when you are in the bush, most modern conveniences, if available, are limited. Power and the internet were two of these things. Looking back, I went through withdrawals. Reading my journal confirms this for me pretty well.

Once I was adjusted to having two hours or less of internet each day, and one go on the 4 hour computer battery, I was so much more FREE!

Once lesson planning was done, I still had time (sometimes).

I had hobbies again, I played the guitar (I even own one here in the States, and haven't touched it since June because I don't have a consistent practice time!), practiced the piano (they had some keyboards there), learned the recorder, made crafts with Nandry (daughter of the missionaries), and more.

I read like a thirsty person drinking from a deep well, and I was able to spend extended time in the Bible, praying, thinking, just...being.

I ran again. (More on that when it comes...in a few more posts.)

I felt so....alive!

Which begs the question: What was I, then, when I was here in the States?
Before I left, I was working two jobs, meeting with people every chance I had, doing lots of odds and ends preparing for Cameroon, and I fell asleep exhausted early into many mornings, still with a to do list a mile long. I was definitely surviving, but I would not recommend that as living for a long period of time!

As I look towards going back to Cameroon again, I am faced with my memories of that hard time just before I left. Suffice it to say that, whatever you believe about the Enemy, my experiences in that time made him very real to me, as he targeted every weakness, and many weaknesses of those closest to me when he couldn't get to me directly. It is only through God's great love that I made it through that challenging time, and the dedication of friends who believe in the calling on my life as much as (and sometimes more than) I do.

As I persevere in living a life of quietness and rest (not to say I don't work, but where work and rest both have their value and their place), I have to admit I am nervous about going through the pre-field time again. I still feel alive, and in touch with who I am in Christ. I listen to the part of me that will say, "Enough! No more for today!" and I go home, turning down social things if I need to rest.
I am praying that, as the time to return gets closer, that I will have enough advance notice that it will be able to be less intense.

The most important thing I have learned, I think, is that I must entrust the schedule, and the to do list, to God. He really can make sure that everything gets done, as long as I am obedient to listen for when I need to tackle the tasks I don't especially relish. If I commit to that, I will be able to get enough rest (both mentally and sleep), which will make me able to be more efficient and fully present in all of the other things.

So, then, it all boils down to trust, and giving up control. Which is also what got me through my initial adjustment to life in the rainforest of Cameroon. :-)

Until next time.

Thoughts on.... From my journal on 11/19/11

From my journal on 11/19/11
My prayer, in the midst of trying to adjust and feeling overwhelmed in a new (in every way) world:
"Lord, I need you to lead me. The enemy wants to steal my peace by keeping me distracted when I try to do too much. I will aggressively pursue peace here in Cameroon. Show me only what you want me to do here. Give me the freedom to do just and only those things, and free me from feeling guilty for not doing the things you do not call me to do. Amen."

My time in Cameroon was used to show my task-oriented self what a work-a-holic I was/am. It also illuminated my addiction to the pace of life in America.
Africa is slow - well at least it was in the rainforest of Cameroon.
Being in such a starkly different environment was like what I have heard drug withdrawals are like. And it was rough for a while as I made it my daily work to adjust to this new, other, different world. But then, one day, the withdrawals were over. And it was beautiful! I had time!
I had time to read my Bible. I had time to intercede and pray for friends and family. I had time to read for my general enjoyment and growth. I had time to be creative - it was SO WONDERFUL!
I have managed to cultivate most of those habits now that I am settled in back here at home. Still working on some aspects (like getting enough physical activity). But I have an awareness I never before had about my time.
Now that I am (and have been for a while) back in the States, I am glad that I cannot adjust back to American pace. And it is not just that I liked "African time" (like island time) because of my running late tendencies.
I actually get to most things relatively on time these days - because I don't say yes to everything anymore.
Before, when I was in the States, I had learned the value of saying no, and had used it some. But I still said yes to far too much, and was always stressed and usually late. I didn't give people the time and my undivided attention that they deserved, because I was checking off hang outs like tasks on a to-do list. Not that I didn't love my time with people, but I couldn't get out of that mindset.
It is funny now, because people are like, "Oh, when you aren't busy, let me know!"
And I try to tell them, "I am actually not busy at all. I am home a lot. I work some during the day, but I have a lot of availability generally."
It feels really good, really freeing to say that.
So, if you want to hang out, you know how to reach me. I am available. :-)